It’s Jess.

She always says, “I am titanium.”

Believe it or not, just take it.

•••

Becoming a rookie seemed ridiculous for me since I was bound to suffer eternally! Ohmigod, I was shocked to see how skinny I was. The hand I held out was small-boned, totally “sounds great”. I stammered for a moment or two whereas everything was OK. Breathe in, breathe out, I reminded myself. Ha! My forehead pounded, my stomach churned, every nerve shimmied–I was bullied more. My breath chocked up, I didn’t know if I was still able to remember the blurred scene. It felt tired once. I sighed. Alright, I would try it anymore. I managed to put it off as soon as possible–took off on solo trip. Hopefully I was not changing my mind when a collection of memories would come back to haunt me now. Anyway, that was to the good of me and him. He should have known everything, at least I wanted to be accepted just the way I was.

Everything was fine, I lived well, I might have been happy. I didn’t know, really; I was too young to be able to define what happy was. I just felt that I was getting for all the requests I asked. But, I was not a kid who liked to ask since the people around me enough to know all my needs. I had never laid eyes on since I’ve only been in the family circle; however there was a time I had to mingle. I smiled wryly. I would initiate unpleasant part to the size of my age at that time.

I had been ridiculed as always. I kept motionless in front of the blackboard with a series of letters I did not understand. I was silent for a long time. I tried hard and kept watching. Blank. Completely and totally blank, I couldn’t remember a thing. I couldn’t believe I was in quizzing! My tongue was okay and my brain was functioning properly. It was such an intimidating. Thus, never laugh at me and I cannot deal with them anymore. Who does that? I mean, really–WHO DOES THAT? Unfortunate situation like that, I remembered constantly at my side for long time. Well, I’ve become an interesting spectacle. Never mind, I was not bothered or maybe I’ve long forgotten the pain. I allowed myself to relax for a moment or two during that swift, quiet ride. Hmm. My antennae perked up as I tried to force them to make eye contact with me. They thought I was starting to sound a bit like a robot. I can feel my face flame red as I remember how very, very awkward I was among them. Cut it out. Breathe in, breathe out, I reminded myself. Always doing good, spreading good cheer wherever you go.

My eyes blinked, a little surprised, I can say it. My overwhelming feelings of inadequacy, besides the memories were too demanding. Instead, I tried frantically saying let’s to move on. That was not out of necessity; it’s for him, my goodness! I suddenly remembered. Lighten up, I’m really going to tell you all this. It’s pretty obvious, whatever will be, will be. I’m ready because all of this is true. It’s Jess and I will not be afraid or feel frail. Just call me Jess.

|to be continued …|

Karin Sari Saputra